A lot of things were running through my head a few weeks ago when I was extremely late; How would my life change if I had a baby? Am I ready to support a baby financially? Are Jake and I even ready to become parents?!
I was terrified, but also elated when I revealed the positive test to Jake. I was shaking and I wasn't sure if it was real.
I could feel tears building up and I asked him, "Are we even ready for this?"
And he hugged me and replied happily, "Of course we are. We'll figure it out together."
I happened to Facetime with my family a little after and shared my news with them. I felt so shook up and excited. I needed to confirm that everything would be fine for them too.
We ended up telling our close family and very best friends immediately and I felt that I needed to tell some of my coworkers due to my nausea and exhaustion. It is simply hard to decline food or alcohol and lie when they ask, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?!"
There was something so exciting too about sharing pregnancy news with some of close friends who are also pregnant. I was thrilled to have other people I love in the same stage of life as me and people who I could grow closer to through my first pregnancy!
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Then merely days after, I woke up with some spotting... I assume that this is always frightening for a first time pregnancy. Right away I asked my mom and my pregnant friends if this is normal.
They said they all experienced a little bit, so I didn't worry. Everyone said spotting is normal, unless it becomes heavier.
I really didn't worry too much, in fact I was so happy. I felt like I was taking good care of my body by lightly exercising before work, taking prenatal vitamins, and scheduling the appointments I needed. I was ready for this!
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The next day I woke up, still with spotting, but Jake and I remained hopeful. But as the day went on I experienced a lot of cramping...
Cramping is also normal for early pregnancy. I've heard it described as your body making room for it's new guest by stretching and changing.
The cramping didn't stop though, and neither did the spotting... then I started to worry...
That evening we went to a friend's house for a movie night and all I could think about was how much I was bleeding and cramping. I heard things could be normal, but I just wasn't sure.
I pulled one of my friends aside to tell her what was going on, because she is a labor and delivery nurse. She told me not to worry and that she was pregnant too!! The rush of excitement piled on top of my feelings of panic and I just felt so overwhelmed. I was so so excited for her, but I didn't feel the same for me.
I ended up leaving that movie night to go take care of myself and monitor my cramping...
That evening, I called the on-call doctor at May Grant to make sure that everything was in fact "normal". They ended up scheduling me for an ultrasound and blood tests the following day.
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The next morning Jake went with me to my appointment at May Grant.
We were escorted into the ultrasound room and I can't describe how nervous I was for what they were going to find. The internet told me that it could either be a normally progressing pregnancy, the beginnings of a miscarriage, or an early ectopic pregnancy...
The tech began the ultrasound and Jake held my hand. She told us that she didn't see anything that can confirm a pregnancy, but that could be normal sometimes for people who are at 5 weeks (I was almost positive that I was supposed to be at 6 weeks).
The nurse then had me take a urine sample to confirm my pregnancy.
The nurse practitioner met with us to go over the findings and what she believed was happening. She told me that it could be a very early pregnancy, an early miscarriage, or an early ectopic pregnancy... so nothing was definitively answered...
They took my blood before I left to test my levels of hcg and progesterone. Jake almost passed out at that part!
After the visit, we both went off to work to try and maintain a regular day. All I wanted to do was cry, because of the hormones and the unknowns.
Later on that day, May Grant informed me that my blood work showed my levels were low, therefore they could not confirm that this pregnancy would be viable.
I hung up and went to my HR department at work and just lost it... God bless my HR team members!
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Two days after the appointment, I knew I was having a miscarriage.
The bleeding was heavier than my normal periods. I felt intense cramping that wouldn't stop. It really did just feel like a bad period.
I sobbed.
I knew that my body was taking care of something that just didn't biologically match up and that's a good thing, so why couldn't I stop crying?? Why was I involuntarily mourning the loss of something that wasn't even there?
I really don't think it matters how many people you talk to or how many articles you read to prepare you for a miscarriage. You will NEVER be prepared to suddenly lose a beautiful dream you and your partner had. Also, the hormones won't let you forget the emotions you don't want to bring up.
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My heart just aches for the women who have been through weeks and weeks of excitement, only to lose their baby.
For women who are discouraged by several miscarriages with thoughts that maybe they'll never be successful.
For women who have to go through miscarriages without a supportive family or partner by their side.
For women who don't feel they can go through with a pregnancy, due to personal or financial or medical reasons.
For women who give birth to a baby without a heartbeat.
I don't think I truly ever understood the biological desire to have children until this happened to me. I also have a new found appreciation for all the women who have dealt with fertility issues and loss and continue to move forward with hope. You. Are. So. Damn. Strong.
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There is something inside you that switches on that makes you think crazy things like "I'm letting my partner and family down", "Why can other people have babies but I can't?", "I'm embarrassed that I even told anyone I was pregnant", or the worst: "Was there anything I could've done to prevent this miscarriage?"
These thoughts, while natural, are not right.
There is really nothing you can do to prevent a miscarriage.
It is a good process that your body is going through, because the fetus would not have been able to properly develop anyway.
You aren't letting anyone down, in fact, people want to be there for you and support you so you can go on to have a lovely family in the future!
And that's why I don't think isn't silly to tell the people around you that you are pregnant, even early on. If I didn't tell anyone, I would have had to suffer alone. I wouldn't have had the support of my family, my workplace, or my friends who are pregnant.
I would have had to walk around pretending that nothing is wrong and that would have been agonizing and exhausting!
It's also important to find comfort in other women. While my husband is my other half, he can never feel what it's like to be a woman and feel the fear of your body "failing" to do its job. He will also literally never feel the physical pain.
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Loss is ridiculously hard to deal with physically and emotionally. I just wanted to share what happened for Jake and me just in case someone needs a story to hear or someone to talk to.
I know that for me, I probably wouldn't have known I was pregnant if I never took that test. I would've thought my period was just two weeks late (wowzers).
But that doesn't mean I'm not grieving the loss of a dream of my little family.
I honestly didn't know I had that dream until it became a possibility!