If any of you watched the hearings last week, you know that Christine Blasey Ford gave a moving testimony of her experience during the night in question and Brett Kavanaugh also defended his character with poignant words and tears.
As this case moves into an FBI investigation, it leaves us all questioning which account to believe. Do we believe Kavanaugh, who has the support of his political colleagues? Or do we believe Ford, who shares a disgusting memory similar to many women across the country and who really has nothing too exceptional to gain from her testimony?
I see many people online believing Ford’s account, but not believing that the man she was with was Kavanaugh. Perhaps, but I bet you that any women who experiences assault, remembers their attacker very clearly. There is another possibility that they are both telling the truth, in this case Kavanaugh could have been so blackout drunk that he might not know/remember he did such a thing.
Although I realize I could be completely wrong and one of them could be lying, I do think the latter is very possible. I'm only speculating, because this story sounds a lot like my story...
When I was in high school, I desperately wanted a boyfriend or I wanted to feel loved. I don’t really know. So I dated someone and thought I was in love. Because I thought he loved me and had my best interest in mind, I didn’t realize that he sexually assaulted me. I was extremely naive and very innocent at the time. He pinned me down and touched me aggressively (in places I didn’t ask him to) and kissed me even though I was scared. I was very clear that I was uncomfortable and didn’t want it, but he didn’t listen… The feeling of being helpless underneath another person is absolutely terrifying.
If my case went to court right now, I believe that people would stand behind me for my character. But unfortunately, there is no evidence to prove any of that occurred.
I didn’t want to tell anyone what happened to me. I thought I could deal with it, especially because we were "in love." I thought my situation wasn’t “that bad.” And I definitely didn’t want to tell my parents, because I thought they would be ashamed that I was even in that situation to begin with. What would they do anyway?
My relationship with this person was Stockholm Syndrome-esque in that although he violated me and treated me like garbage, I would still seek his approval. I didn’t want to make him mad at me for being a prude. I don’t know if it was my partially formed brain or inexperience in the real world. I don’t know. All I know is that if this case ever went public, I would have no proof that he mistreated me.
Even though I know I was nearly raped by this person, I’m almost 90% positive that he has no idea that he had done anything wrong… I’m writing this out because it’s possible that the Kavanaugh case is my experience; a victimized woman and an disturbingly oblivious man.
I just want to be clear, I am in no way saying this behavior is acceptable, but I do believe it is our culture.
For so long, America has raised boys to not show emotion, “man up”, act out, and be cut throat in the workplace. Many men have grown up with the idea of ladies men characters like Barney Stinson and Don Draper as desirable; the more women you can charm the better. It was (and in some cases still is) common for families to raise their boys without the same guarded hearts as their girls, because you know “boys will be boys.”
While boys were/are taught to be wild and free, girls are taught to be polite and smile. They are taught not to be so aggressive in the workplace, because they will ultimately turn to motherhood anyway. They are taught to “save themselves” and be cautious in their actions. They are told to be very selective in who they date or their dad will get upset. They are taught not to put themselves in “bad” situations. They are taught not to dress in a way that makes it seem like they're "asking for it."
This kind of culture for boys naturally creates generations of men performing an overly aggressive role as a womanizer or a frat boy to show off for his friends. Girls on the other hand will try to mold into a complicit role to make everyone around them happy. Of course, these kinds of learned behaviors result in people confusing consent and dissent.
Luckily, things are changing and many parents, teachers, colleges, etc are making sure their kids know what consent is, but for some it is too late. The acts have already occurred and now more and more Brett Kavanaugh cases/Me Too cases are going to pop up.
Luckily, even kids and teenagers can see what’s happening within the Me Too Movement and they are striving for a better culture. NPR covered consent in schools recently and it gives me hope that things will change for girls and boys in the future. Check out the article here.
I know many people who have been critical of the Me Too movement saying that it they just aren’t sure what they are “allowed to do” anymore without getting in trouble. That question, sometimes presented as a joke, only perpetuates the situation. It sends a message to girls that they are nagging and bitching, while men are called out for every little thing. Do you believe women should have come forward about Bill Cosby, Larry Nasser, and Harvey Weinstein? Do you believe your daughters should speak up when they’ve been assaulted?
Do you believe that women should go about their workdays without groping or sexual comments?
The Me Too movement is something essential which has to happen if we want to move towards equality. If you still have your doubts about that, I encourage you to reach out to your female friends about things said or done to them. Even if it isn't a physical assault, every woman has experienced something. And all of it is important.
Every woman has a story.
I hope if you are one of those people who questions the importance of the Me Too movement, you will consider my story.
And for the record, I do believe Kavanaugh is guilty. I do believe Ford is telling the truth. I would love to hear what you have to say about this topic whether it’s about the case, our culture, or even your story. If you want, leave a comment or email me at kaitlyn.bleacher@gmail.com.
Thanks for listening,
-KB